Deadly Ever After

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You Want Me to Be Your Leader or Something in the Zombie Apocalypse

TODAY’S BREW: Easter chocolate

By Julie

My fine friend Jolene Haley posed the question on twitter “where would you run to or hide in the zombie apocalypse?” My immediate thought was Walmart, and I kinda assumed everyone would think the same thing, but was shocked to see I was wrong. Here is why I am right:

TONS OF FOOD, OBVIOUSLY. Perishable, non-perishable, and even a camping section where you can cook it all. And when that food runs out, you can bet the distribution center will be up and running to deliver more. This is Walmart, folks. They don’t stop for shit.

WEAPONRY. The staple of any good apocalypse. Garden tools, knives, poisons, heavy things, sharp things, flammable things, big rolly things you can put lots of weapons on and roll at zombies.

THEY HAVE MEDICAL SUPPLIES. Some jackass is getting seriously hurt and we will have to play nursemaid to him/her.

PLENTY OF COMMUNICATION METHODS. Lots of phones and computers and other things with which to communicate. Granted, nobody may answer you, seeing as you’re at Walmart, and nobody wants to go there, but you can try like hell.

NO SHORTAGE OF SUBHUMANS TO FEED TO THE ZOMBIES. When the undead eventually find their way in, the dredges of society are at your disposal to use as a human shield and/or diversion. Did you really think you could take on a horde of zombies together? No. You throw them the weakest links and tear them apart while they are occupied.

FREEZERS TO PUT THE DEAD SUBHUMANS IN. People will still just plain die. How many times have you seen an ambulance at the Mall without Walls?

PET FOOD. Because we know you won’t leave without Fluffy/Dr. Chocolate/Bella. You can’t stop putting pics of them on Facebook, so what’s to stop you from bringing them along to the end of the world?

AUTOMATIC LOCKING DOORS. May work for a while. Maybe. At least for the zombies trying to go in the out door.

BLANKETS AND PILLOWS AND BOOKS AND MOVIES AND CONDOMS AND OTHER THINGS THAT PROMOTE COMFORT AND HAPPINESS. 

A WHOLE BODY WASH AISLE AND GARDEN HOSES WITH WHICH TO KEEP PEOPLE CLEAN, EVEN IF THEY DON’T NORMALLY LIKE TO BE CLEAN. Sure, you could use the bathroom, but do you think it will be more sanitary in a zombie uprising? Guessing not.

MAKEUP. Don’t kill the pretty ones. What if we have to procreate?

So, in the event of this apocalypse, I have all the smarts. We haven’t even talked about war strategy besides baiting with lesser customers. People need to be led, and I am the girl for you. I will be nice to you guys (except the aforementioned dregs of society), so when the time comes, you won’t rise against me. I’ll even remember your birthdays and give you a card from the vast card section. It will be nice.

Thanks for your consideration.

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