Deadly Ever After

Archive for the tag “Josh Hewitt”

60 Ways to Not Write Your Novel

TODAY’S BREW: Enough coffee that my heart may beat so fast it will finally just stop. You can’t even imagine the puke fest I have lived through last night.

By Julie

I am so in love with the reality of this post, I want to cross stitch it onto several pillows then cry into them. Coincidentally, I also love Gina Denny, who is an amazing writer, with a voice that will kick your ass off of your ass. She did an amazing piece for Josh Hewitt’s blog series “World’s End” called SERENITY. Go read it. http://hewittwcc.wordpress.com/2013/04/05/serenity-by-gina-denny/.

Okay, you’re back?  Okay, NOW go look at what she did for our little side project The Midnight Type, for our “SantaCLASH” series. http://themidnighttype.wordpress.com/2013/12/06/19-days-til-christmas-thriller-title-to-come-by-gina-denny/

Follow Gina on Twitter @ginad129 and check out her blog, http://t.co/uofYCtDzyG.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

60 Ways to Not Write Your Novel

1. Blog about writing.

2. Read a book about writing.

3. Join a fan forum.

4. Listen to Writing Excuses.

5. Make a snack.

6. Join Twitter.

7. Post “Twitter is confusing!” on facebook.

8. Read a book you’ve been meaning to read for a long time.

9. Write a review about that book.

10. Read all the other reviews about that book.

11. Get into a Goodreads war.

12. See the @ column on twitter.

13. “Ohhhhhh… THIS is why people love twitter!”

14. Join a blogging community.

15. Write your synopsis.

16. Write your query.

17. Write back cover blurbs. For the entire series of eight epic fantasies you plan on writing.

18. Have a “job” that pays you “money” for “doing stuff” that “isn’t” writing.

19. Remember Chris Farley did an SNL skit with extraneous sarcastic air quotes.

20. Look up the skit on YouTube.

21. Fall down the YouTube rabbit hole, emerging four hours later with a new-found appreciation for Nerdfighting.

22. Organize your desk.

23. Vlog.

24. Download the More Beaute2 app and edit a selfie.

25. Take way more selfies.

26. Research mundane details of your novel.

27. Fall down the Wikipedia rabbit hole, emerging five hours later with a working knowledge of pulley systems, Napoleon Bonaparte, and cheese.
28. Say it with me: NETFLIX.
29. Write your acknowledgments page.
30. Write your dedication. Make sure it’s so steeped in inside jokes that no one but the person it’s meant for can understand it.
31. Have a social life.
32. Fake a social life on Instagram.
33. Agonize over your first sentence. Minimum time spent on this task: three to four hours per day, for no fewer than nine days straight. 

34. Research agents.
35. Research editors.
36. Research movie options and rights and merchandising clauses.
37. Use imdb to cast your novel’s movie adaptation.
38. Design your own cover in Photoshop “just in case” you ever decide to self-publish.
39. Realize all the pre-installed fonts on photoshop are worthless.
40. Scour the web for the “perfect” font.
42. Worry a lot about your klout score.
43. Register for a conference.
44. Research conferences.
45. Create your own business cards to hand out at the conference.
46. Eat.
47. Exercise.
48. Sleep.
49. Be involved in your family’s life.
50. Write short stories to “break up the monotony”.
51. Create a short story event.
52. Pick a title for your book.
53. Google that title to make sure no one else has used it, or if they have, that their book sucks sufficiently for you to feel confident in outselling them someday.
54. Change your title.
55. Watch movies to “analyze” them
56. Analyze your favorite books. (Fan forums are really helpful for this)
57. Analyze your family. For research.
58. Create a Pinterest inspiration board for your book.
59. Fall down the Pinterest rabbit hole, emerging three hours later with a new commitment to health, wellness, and Nutella.
60. Make really long lists of pointless stuff.
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Breaking Up With Trent: Finishing The Animal

TODAY’S BREW: Coffee, coffee, more coffee until my heart screeches and my fridge begs me to stop taking out the creamer because I always knock something over.

by Julie

I FINISHED WRITING THE ANIMAL. 

Yup, yesiree Robert.

This happened on Monday, when Kristen and I have our first writing date of the week. We have another on Friday, but tend to drink a lot more on Monday. (This time it involved events like “I bet we can still do back bends.” We can. We totally can.) But we’re all business, too and I knew this was the night I would write the last chapter of The Animal. Nothing stops me.

Disbelief on Tuesday morning. Then JESUS MARY MOTHER OF GOD I DID IT AGAIN I WROTE ANOTHER BOOK. And then, it happened.

I had post partum word baby depression. I felt like I broke up with my manuscript.

I decided to force myself not to write anything Tuesday. I don’t even know why, but I know I should step back, let ideas well up. That’s what people do, right? I played with the kids a lot, read some stuff, relaxed, but I kept thinking about Trent. Had I done right by him? I couldn’t listen to Blood Red Shoes all day, because Lost Kids somehow became one of Trent’s theme songs. It hurt to think of listening to it. When I broke down and did it, I had to go to Ghetto Gym to work off my angst.

This all felt good. Really good. While every other writer I know agonizes over what their characters tell them to do, I always tell my characters what to do. I am the boss. They work for me. To miss Trent this way, showed me that my creations are more than my employees.

SIDE NOTE: TO ANY OF MY FORMER EMPLOYEES, YOU WERE NOT “JUST” MY EMPLOYEES. Jeez.

Also, I learned that it is not in me to need a break from writing. If I need a break, something is wrong with me. Before I finished The Animal, I knew that I would dive right into querying Running Home. I can only give attention to one of them at a time, this is the other thing I now know. My needs are to totally immerse myself in one project, with side salads of short stories. That’s my thing. But I can’t ever stop. Not ever.

I AM NOT A DUST COLLECTOR.

And neither is my work. I will not have a book that sits. I wrote it for a reason. Running Home is having its time again, while I give Trent and The Animal the space it deserves. We’re just on a break, this isn’t for good.

THERE IS AN URGENCY IN WRITING. IT IS NOT MEANT TO BE DONE OVER FOREVER AND IGNORED LONGER.

So you all know what I’m doing, and that I do, indeed have a plan, I’m querying my first novel now. Again. Because I got scared and stopped before. In two weeks I will redraft The Animal and give it out for beta reads. In the meantime, I will be doing short stories for submission and for the blog. I have a story going up tomorrow on Josh Hewitt’s blog for his World’s End series, a sci fi bit that’s different for me, no matter how much sci fi I read.

Know this. I won’t stop writing, I won’t give myself a break. Writing is my break. And breaking up is too hard to do for me to rest.

The Nightmares Before Christmas Continue! The Schedule More or Less

TODAY’S BREW:  Crispin  Brown’s Lane Cider. It’s nighttime, so booze.

Have I told you yet how much I love this series, and how pumped I am at the response the Undead Duo have received for these horror stories?  And have I told you how proud like a baby mama I am of all of these incredible writers, and of how supportive they are of each other?  Can’t say it enough.

So, here is the working schedule of the writers we will feature for the remainder of the series, though we are still accepting submissions (till the 10th, Kristen says….you know me, though.  Accepting FOREVER.)  Cannot wait to see what you all think of each other’s work, and hope this leads to great friendships for many of you.

12/1  Dylan J. Morgan

12/3 JC Michael

12/4 Bobby Salomons, Death 2 Death Books

12/5 Steve Bridger

12/6 Our very own Kristen Strassel

12/7 Mari Wells

12/8 Rusty Fischer

12/9 Philip Monroe

12/10 Josh Hewitt

12/11 Chris Shawbell, Copious Corpses

12/12 The Next Big Thing Bloghop

12/13 Sione Aeschliman

12/14 Armand Rosamilia

12/15 Steve Bridger

12/16 John D. Taff

12/17 Mike Matula

12/18 Lil’ ol’ me, Julie Hutchings

12/19 Randy Dutton

12/20 Bobby Salomons

This is subject to change, mostly added to. Love it, love you, keep reading. Again, there will be no prizes.  I have no prizes for you. Not a thing.

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