Deadly Ever After

Screwing Up Father’s Day: An Inevitable Tale

TODAY’S BREW: A helluva lot of K-cups. My coffee pot broke. I REPEAT: MY COFFEE POT BROKE.

by Julie

I could name many things that are imminently approaching. Right now, I’m just naming one, because I fail at it every frigging year.


For Mother’s Day, moms expect lots of stuff. Peace and quiet, breakfast in bed, spa day, stuff like that. I don’t, I have my own preferences. New books, a movie, cake, a day walking around Cape Cod with my family. I may not get all of these things, but Tim makes a serious effort every year. Like, real deal effort.

Dads expect nothing. Because all they ever get is crap.

One year, I tried to set up a fishing date for the husband, and that didn’t work out. I did once make a miraculous breakfast, with a recipe and everything, and that went over well. Tim wears no ties, I can’t pick out his clothes, he doesn’t play golf, he doesn’t really read. Giving him photos of the kids is getting old. So what in the hell do I do?

I’d like to do something out of the comfort zone, something that says I put thought into it. Turns out, my thinking skills are piss poor. I got nothing. So, tell me, menfolk, what are your wishes for Father’s Day? Give me something to go on. I’m dying here. And like every other year, I’ll end up saying “sorry, I suck at this.”

I don’t want to suck at this.

Keep in mind, it’s my husband, Tim that I have trouble doing for. My stepfather is way too easy. Get the man a box of chocolate covered cherries and he’s king for a day. When my dad was alive, something with a Bruins logo on it, and he was pleased as punch. This guy? Tim is happy all the time, no matter what. How the fuck am I supposed to deal with that?

Gentlemen, don’t let me down here. I have work to do.


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8 thoughts on “Screwing Up Father’s Day: An Inevitable Tale

  1. My only idea, and I fall back on this often…..
    Plan out an awe inspiring night for him. I mean a bedroom, the kids are gone, you pull out all of the punches night. The two of you will be the only ones that know about it.
    You might have to do in on his day off instead of Sat night or Sun night.
    That always works for my man.
    Hope that helps

  2. I’ve been thinking about this…
    Does he want to go somewhere on vacation? Like the beach…then fake out a vacation for him. Gather all of your houseplants or get some and put them all in the bathroom (or bedroom) download some beach noises to play in the background. Think about what you would take on a romantic picnic to the beach and get that. If you place it all in the bathroom you can turn on the shower for rain sounds. I’ve heard of you ducktape a dust pan to the shower it will make a waterfall sound.
    If the beach isn’t his thing try the same thing but to what he wants. A trip to Paris, gather a snack that makes you think of Paris. Can you fit a little bistro table in your bedroom? If not, find out what hotels in Paris look like try to copy it. Get creative, staple a string or two of white Christmas lights on the wall in the shape of the Eiffel Tower.

    Another idea, Take something he likes (I know you like Iron Man, so I’ll use that) get a bunch of Iron Man party favors. A gift bag full of little treats in his lunch with a note “You are my superhero.” A little toy or some other favor with some silly pun involving “IRON” or a bad pun of I RAN or something like “You’ll find me STARK naked tonight” You could do it for a week or however many days you want with a big family “Daddy’s a real super hero” party on Father’s Day. This will take more time to plan out and it gives him a little treat everyday for a few days.
    Hope those help give you some idea.

  3. stillbutthurt on said:

    Don’t invite family over. Don’t cook breakfast for the family you invited over anyway while your man is still snoozing. Do take the 2 minutes to wrap the fucking gift. Don’t act all surprised when hubby is pissed that you cooked breakfast for unimmediate family instead of a morning quickie.

    • MY NAME IS JULIE HUTCHINGS AND I APPROVE THIS COMMENT. No family, no cooking. All shrimp and quickies. Fair?

      • stillbutthurt on said:

        Haha thanks. Thought I would get roasted for that comment. I was pretty pissed when I wrote it. I worked hard being a good dad all year and felt shat upon today. Took a long drive with the kiddies and left the wife at home. Better now but very leery of next year already.

      • Well it makes much more sense in the Dad’s day post than with The Harpy which is where I thought it was when I read it from the notification column.

        I chalked it up to my perpetual state of confusion.


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