Deadly Ever After

Happy Birthday, Crybaby Vampires!

TODAY’S BREW: coconut. as much as I can get.

As my birthday quickly approaches,(1 week from today!), I am faced with the fact that I will probably not live forever. I don’t look any older. I am not afraid of losing my looks all that much. (Side note: While one would think that only ugly people would say such a thing, I interject that I am not ugly. Just what an ugly person would say, you think. Well, you just go ahead and think that.) I would like to live forever because I love my life. It is not perfect, and I love it. I don’t ever want it to stop.

And this is probably why I like vampires so much.

On the other hand, I do like the concept of living each day like it is your last. Not in the skydiving/bungee-jumping/world traveling way, but in the enjoy-the-little-things way. You don’t know how long they will last, and they are all a part of your life. Love that first cup of coffee in the morning. Love those two minutes of complete silence while you’re getting dressed. Love that your baby calls everybody a monkey. Love the fresh air as you’re walking to your car to do God knows what. Love your kids singing too loud, and even arguing–it’s life. They are learning to love it every minute. Love watching repeats with your husband. Love cookies. Love your favorite t-shirt when it comes out of the wash. Love having zero control over your day because it reminds you that there’s always something to learn. Okay, that one is a bit of a stretch. But when everything seems to be hitting you about the head and neck with irritation, expectation, and general malaise, remember that tomorrow…what if it all ends?

This, my friends, is what vampires lack. They may look cool, and they may be rich, and they may have all the time in the world to do all of the things they want to do, but they lack this. They know that today is not their last day. I suppose that could get pretty dull. I mean, why would you ever finish anything? You could do it tomorrow. Probably makes birthdays suck for the most part, too.

However, whether or not you believe in vampires, and whether or not you believe that said vampires can or cannot only drink blood, I like to think that they actually get an eternity’s worth of birthday cake. Man, I love birthday cake. I love yellow cake with white frosting and yellow roses. I love chocolate cake, German chocolate cake, cheesecake, red velvet cake, you name a cake and I like it. And a vampire can probably eat as much as they want, right? It’s not like they will get fat. And even if they aren’t supposed to ingest anything but blood, if they get sick, it isn’t like it will kill them. (Chances are, if cake did kill them, they wouldn’t want to survive to experience the humiliation of that anyway.)

Cake for eternity trumps boredom with immortality any day. Crybaby vampires.


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4 thoughts on “Happy Birthday, Crybaby Vampires!

  1. The human vampires in my universe are aging, albeit at one-tenth the speed of normal humans’ aging rate (in other words, they age one year physically for every ten calendar years). Normal humans just think they’re immortal, because they don’t live long enough to see the vampires age.

    Centuries of birthday cake, yes, but not forever. A nice way to avoid Twilight’s “Jane” problem, ie. a senior vampire stuck in a childish physical body.

    It also adds a bit of gravitas to my character Jack Wendell. The average life expectancy of persons with Down Syndrome is 55 years. His transformation to vampire only slows down the health conditions manifest with Down Syndrome.

    • Hey Daven! Thanks for checking us out! I like new fun ways to mess with vampire mythology, and you don’t fail to surprise. I like that your vampires age slower, but do age…smart.
      Would they also gain weight after eating too much cake, but do it over a really long time, so it didn’t matter?

      • My vampires need food as well as blood. The human body expects bulk and nutrients not found in blood. My human vampires can live off normal food indefinitely, provided that some form of meat is regularly consumed (because meat contains blood in molecular form). Blood sustains and heals them, but lack of normal food will cause health problems over time.

        To answer your question, yes they could plump up on excess normal food. They could also go on blood-only fasts to lose weight, with progressively greater risks to health the longer that is done. I suspect my character Lilith may be doing this to stay slim (in the present day, she’s 44 in physical age equivalent), but I don’t spell this out in the main story.

        My alien vampires are carnivorous, but that means they do need to eat raw meat as well as blood.

        All these details are in my Glossary, of course.

  2. That’s a really cool concept, Daven! And one that I don’t think has been explored at all in vampire mythology.

    And Julie, I am starting a birthday cake countdown


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